[Fair warning - this week’s entry is a little longer than usual.]
The other day, a Build Notes reader reached out to me. This person was feeling angry and frustrated after seeing an unpleasant interaction between an older man and a younger woman in a parking lot, while the reader was running errands. The man had “paid a compliment” to the woman, and even asked her first if he could do so. But what he had to say, and the way he did it, was so slimy that our reader was appalled.
This moment didn’t seem like a classic Build Notes kind of topic, but as the days have passed, I’ve found that I can’t not write about it.
Here’s why: For a few years now, I’ve been making an effort to refrain from commenting on other people’s appearances. Now and then, I slip up - but not very often anymore.
The technique is simple: You see a person, in any setting. You make observations about them in your head, like all humans do. And then… you don’t give voice to those observations.
I promise I’m not selling political correctness here. Let me tell you how I embarrassed my own way into this.
One day I caught myself commenting on a woman’s appearance in a slightly awkward way. It happened at the dog park. All human interactions at the dog park are awkward. Nevertheless.
Just like the parking lot guy, I thought I was offering a compliment. My comment was pretty bland. But a minute later, the Slightly Creepy Older Guy who was often at the dog park sauntered up and said the exact same thing to her. Word for word.
Then I felt like I was covered in fleas.
I decided on the spot that I’d take a break from commenting on appearances, just to avoid feeling like a fool for a while.
When you stop doing a thing, you give yourself a chance to observe other people doing it. Then you can start learning some lessons.
First: Commenting on another person’s appearance, especially a man commenting on the appearance of a woman, is a power move. I was appointing myself as the referee in a game the other person didn’t really choose to play.
The next lesson was much harder for me.
All my life I have prided myself on being a good observer. Commenting on someone’s beautiful coat, or their new glasses, is something I used to consider a use of my skill. I was truly seeing the person as others might not.
Do you hear the trouble lurking in there?
My ego had encouraged me to think that I was doing people a favor. The truth is that commenting on people’s appearances is often just commenting on some kind of property of theirs. It’s hard to comment on the property of another person without sounding a little like a mobster. “Nice scarf you got there!” The rest of the statement hangs in the air: “Would be a shame if something happened to it.”
What does all of this have to do with building meaningful lives and communities?
I don’t think we can reasonably expect to go barrelling through life without awareness of our effect on others, and expect to thrive in community at the same time.
We can’t have it both ways. Mr. Noisy in the Mr. Men children’s books has to learn to stop shouting at everyone when he goes into town, or else he ends up hungry because the grocers won’t serve him.
We Americans love to be our own little islands - or fortresses, maybe. Live free or die. Instead, maybe we should think of freedom as something that we choose to protect for each other, rather than as a thing we just grab for ourselves like kids with a cookie jar.
Your freedom is not exactly mine to grant. But I can respect your freedom to enjoy a hassle-free walk through the parking lot. That’s a choice we are all free to make.
Roller Dancing
OK, you made it through the tough part. Here’s a video of people dancing on roller skates at Berlin’s Templehof Field, a former airport converted into a huge public park. Hat tip to The Kid Should See This. (4 minutes)
And Finally…
You may remember from the early YouTube days that a band called Pomplamoose was doing these crazy elaborate videos in which they covered pop songs. They’re still recording, with a simpler style these days, and I quite like their cover of “Everybody Wants To Rule The World” from Tears for Fears. (3 minutes)
Hope the rest of your week rules, friends.
- Michael
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